U-hauling and other myths of lesbian dating

My friend Steph says that commitment breeds commitment.  I wasn’t sure what she meant when she first said that, but I’ll tell you how she explained it.  Give me a minute; I’ll get to it eventually.

You know, I hear women talk so much about dating and what they’re doing, what they feel about getting into or being in relationships.  I have friends who are together, they break up, and they talk about failed relationships.   I think relationships don’t fail…they end.

Right now I have two friends: they broke up, but now they’re dating.  What?!? Why, I ask.  Why???

They were together for two years – in love, in lust, defined themselves as a couple. Yet these women never lived together.  One of them wanted to, the other said she was just not ready…doesn’t see herself as ever really on the path to being ready for that.

Women all around me say they are interested in dating, then date, but then say they are not interested in a relationship.  What are you dating for, then?  You can always just get laid…you don’t need to date for that! I think you are wasting your dates’ time if you have no intention of even considering a relationship.

So, for all the reputation that lesbians have for U-hauling it, the reality I see is that it just doesn’t happen that way.  Women date for months…years, even.  Then they break up.  They never move in together.  It was too soon, they say. What are they waiting for?  Perfection?  What can you know after two years that you didn’t know in a few months if you’ve done your due diligence? I’ve heard women say they will wait 5 years before they are willing to make a commitment.  Why?  I would miss her too much!

I don’t know about you, but I know that I am not willing to waste 5 years before deciding to commit. And I don’t think that you’re in the kind of relationship that has a chance of standing the test of time if you haven’t moved in together.

And this is where my friend Steph says that commitment breeds commitment.  If I am in with both feet, say at six months…if I have moved in – it’s an ideal world, let’s just assume that I have taken all my financial precautions and not cut away all my rational safety nets – I have made the kind of commitment that fosters more of itself.  The first time I encounter some less-than-perfect aspect of my lover I do not bail…as I might if we were just “dating.”  Just dating allows you to reach for the first excuse that justifies your unwillingness (inability, disinterest – fill in your own choice) to commit.

Instead – instead of closing my mind and the window of opportunity on the relationship, if I am in, I open my eyes and heart a little wider.

Posted in Elizabeth's musings.

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